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lazuline_castellan) wrote2010-08-21 05:45 pm
thoughts on suicide, a bit about other stuffs and a lot about chicken pox^^
I just read a fic with some suicide stuff going on, or at least suicide ideation and well, it got me thinking about things. First of all, I'm rather sick today, if you really want to know, it's chicken pox and it's really annoyingly itchy not to mention i have to skip classes! well, the skipping classes part is not really that annoying i guess haha! Anyways, I was talking about suicide so i should relate back to the topic. Besides the itch, the other symptoms are painful swallowing so i can't really enjoy my food. I'm also having stiff neck due to some infection i guess, my fault. There's headache, fever, and i can't even sleep well because the itchiness seems to go hyper-drive at night, so end result, weakness during the day and eye bags galore. It's worst than when I'm working on a fic! Of course, the major worry here, as a girl, would be the scars it would leave. gehck! (i know i've got to stop checking myself in the mirror every minute) spare me! i tend to be such drama queen when i'm sick.( I'm vaguely aware of it but it's one of the privilege of being sick.) I've never been hospitalized and not dreaming of it either, maybe when I'm about to give birth or something like that , *face cringed* haha! not happening.
Right, back to suicide, there are times that even trivial, as it may seems, problems like this makes you feel like ending everything. then i thought, i'm being defeated by a mere virus? a chicken pox at that, i mean there are a lot of more deadly viruses out there, it is so not worth it. right? right. and if i think of it positively, at least, when i have children *blush* and they have chicken pox(I'll be sure to let them have it when they're still kids, lesson learned) I'll be able to care for them without worry since I'm already immune to it. (by the way, my mom also had chicken pox, a few days after i did.^^ we both got it from my little sister, and now, my younger brother calls us the 'chicken poxers')lol...he's next. haha! see, there are still to be happy about. I guess that's it for chicken pox.
Now, where was I? suicide, right, it usually starts from major or even minor depression from a setback, and you feel so alone with no one to talk to, like no one cares anyway, in fact, why should they? it's your problem to begin with and it's not that there's no one, you just don't want to open up to that person, mistrust perhaps? I've read somewhere that it's easier to trust than to doubt, for me, it's correct like how when that seed of doubt is planted, yo keep imagining various anomalies already, with sleepless nights while the person you're doubting is sleeping soundly, how unfair is that? wait, i'm off track again, my bad.
There are a number of ways to express how you're feeling, the important thing is you let it out without hurting anybody especially yourself. hard? nope. First thing's first, LOVE YOURSELF. in my case, i love myself too much, or i think so highly of myself that i don't see myself worthy of ending my existence in this world. True, there are times when the pressure of the problem at hand seems heavier than all the love you can give to yourself, but there are always a brighter side of it if you knew how to find it with the right attitude. God didn't create me to experience suffering, He even said, "cast your burdens upon me" and if ever you needed anything He also said "ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you." (excuse me for being so religious but those words have helped me a lot).
Maybe I haven't experienced enough suffering or pain to be able to say things like this. my freinds say that i'm optimistic and cheerful while some say that I'm a loner(uh, CN blue's Oetoriya just played in my mind) or have a gloomy (if not deadly) aura. well, it's there opinion. Few people have the privilege of knowing my wonderful self. lol! I consider myself blessed. Kind of ironic actually, I've never considered ending my life but I've plotted on ending someone's life enough time to last a lifetime.^^ I've never had the guts to put any of it to action though, it just helps at times in controlling your anger towards someone, imagining them spiraling to a bottomless pit, is rather soothing.^^ i know i'm a lunatic for that but this is also a crazy world, no, it's a wonderful world full of crazy inhabitants so if you can't beat them, join them! hmmm.... i think i'm still on topic...
now back to sharing problems, there are few people out there who would really bang on your door or simply barge in when you've closed it plenty of times already,( even against their faces), to me, i'm lucky to have them. They say that there are times we build walls(or close our doors) not to shut ourselves in or keep others away but rather it's to see who will be caring enough to actually bring it down and take you out. Remember this, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE. wow, that sounds creepy...lol if there's no human to talk to, then there's plenty of animals lurking, if you're lucky they might even end your life for you haha... no don't die, seriously. if there's no other living being then just give a shout out, the loudest you could muster, someone's/something's bound to hear you, it's up to them to listen or not.
Just think of this, there are a lot of amazing wonders in this planet for you to see. like me, i really want to travel. there are times when i really feel down, then my crazy mind would say that when i die, i'll be like floating and apparating(as in apparitions, harry potter style^^) in various places whenever and wherever i like, saves me from air fare and lots of money plus the bonus of scaring people out! hahaha! like i said, crazy but appealing, if it's true though, who knows what really happens after you die.
Thinking about the people i would leave behind, my dreams (like, I haven't even have my dream wedding yet!), it's really sad. When i take the "easy way out" isn't it irresponsible and unfair to push those burdens on the people left behind? you didn't make it on this age and stage without other's help. like it or not, you owe them something no matter how little. another, it's actually not an easy way out, who ever killed themselves without feeling any pain? be it physical or emotional? and then what burn eternally? or be in perpetual remorse? once you die, that's basically it unless some miracle happens like in the movies, but that's just it, movies. what are the odds? whatever it is you're facing, it will pass eventually as long as you face it head on, if you run, it will also keep on chasing you,. not the best way to spend this short life and rare chance of living, of being born, and experience life.
*there you have it, a glimpse of my messed up brain..wow, that was rather long.... maa ii... that's what happens when you can't go to school due to some itchy illness.. it's a good way of expressing oneself and spending a cold rainy afternoon. i think i can get use to this^^
P.S i was actually looking for an itchy mood icon but can't find any, i guess it isn't a mood after all! hahaha!
crazy afternoon everyone!
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